Losing my shit

[eirias]

I am so angry it's hard to describe.

So, got married, right? State of Wisconsin provides for name change by common-use; if you, e.g., get married and want to change your name, you don't need to show up in court or anything silly like that. Just bring your marriage cert around, show it to people, get documents changed, bada bing, bada boom. Canonical order, in my understanding: SSA, DMV, then everybody else -- because the DMV asks for the SSA receipt and everyone else asks for your license.

Each of us wants to change to "HisLast, First Middle MyLast." Keeps my family name going for a bit but unambiguously unites us. Nice compromise, not too sexist. (My idea, for any lurkers who think the name change is evidence that I married an eeeevil member of the patriarchy. I had to talk him into it, actually.)

Yesterday: me, SSA; passport, marriage cert, SS card, app form. Get in line, get form filled out, no questions asked. Showed receipt to the DMV; got new license. Everything A-OK.

Today: him, SSA: passport, marriage cert, SS card, app form. "I'm sorry, we need proof that you are known as First Middle MyLast HisLast." What? Argument goes nowhere. I call; woman is simperingly unhelpful. I explain that the difference in our experiences can only be chalked up to one thing. She retreats to the claim that they made a mistake in helping me at all (a lie, AFAICT from others' experiences) and refuses to budge, saying that in order to make the change she needs, oh, a court order or a driver's license. I yell and hang up.

Call a few other places; we have some strategies for attacking this. He'll try the DMV sans SSA receipt and see what happens. We called the judge who married us, who is unambiguously on our side and willing to issue a court order saying, Hello, idiot, I married these guys and will vouch for his name change. Which apparently carries no charge. Which is nice, because a name-change-by-court-order (a different animal altogether) is costly.

Sexist asshole fucknuts. How dare they! How dare they attend to state law only when my decision fits in with their preconceptions! Oh, I forgot -- apparently I don't need to prove that I am known by this new name because as a married woman I am automatically MY HUSBAND'S FUCKING PROPERTY.

If you'd seen me with the moths, lady, you wouldn't fuck with me. I am a murderous bitch when you get me riled.

Comments

Re: GO Erin!

[knell.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, though, these things are sufficiently weird that just asking someone else will get it done without question. The old call centre "call back and ask again" thing...

(And jeez, that sucks. Treat them like the moths they are.)

[dancingwaves.livejournal.com]

I echo radicalteacher.

But don't go to bureauracy. It's a scary scary place.

[thekat03.livejournal.com]

oy... i wonder if it'd have gone better or worse if the two of you showed up together instead of separately.

[mokatz.livejournal.com]

This all sound eerily familiar. I'm still not done with our process. It's cost $160 so far and will likely cost another ~$200 or so.

[ex-miang438.livejournal.com]

That's kind of odd; after all, how do you prove that you're known by a certain name without the documents you need to prove that it's your name? Show up with 50 of your closest friends and relatives in tow? "Oh yeah, we know him, he's definitely First Middle HerLast HisLast." Bizarre.

I think you ought to be able to do it at the DMV if you've been able to get bills, etc. changed over with your new name ordering. Also, are there any other SSA offices you can go to, where perhaps the employees do not suffer so much from cranial-rectal inversion syndrome? Because that might also be worth a try.

At any rate, I'm glad you're taking them to task for this. Don't forget the old standby -- just about anyone who pisses you off has a boss somewhere and a Permanent File just waiting for complaint letters. :D

[thekat03.livejournal.com]

well, my first bank account had both my real name and my nickname in quotes, so i guess that when i change my name, that could help prove i've gone by that name. most people don't have that when they get married, though... it takes a while to accumulate that sort of documentation.

[rms10.livejournal.com]

If you'd seen me with the moths, lady, you wouldn't fuck with me.

Ha! This made me laugh.

Good luck with all the name changing! And to be honest, I'm surprised things went so easily for you -- I've heard lots of stories of the SSA and/or DMV not being able to handle four names, and people officially ending up as First-Middle HerLast HisLast.

[eirias.livejournal.com]

Well, to be honest, the woman at the DMV did surprise me -- when I told her the situation of having 2 middle names now, first she was like, "I didn't know you were allowed to do that!" and I just... had no idea how to respond. Like, I know way too many people with four or five names for me to understand how a woman would not know that the state does not get a voice here. And then there was some difficulty with actually getting the forms to accept the right number of names in the right place, but through some hocus pocus she worked it out and now my full name is on my license.

It's a weirder feeling than I imagined, the name change; it's important to me to have my maiden name appear on these things. I know that once I'm used to it, the symbolism will be worth this discomfort (and this stupid current bureaucratic aggro), so I'm not regretful about the decision, but I do still need MyLast around.

[harleybitch.livejournal.com]

sorry. I am glad you guys are doing this. I got a letter mailed to Mrs Christopher-- WTF I lost my identity when I got married. I hope they go to hell getting used to Dr. and Mr.. Anyway as with any time you break with tradition there will be an uphill battle. It is a load of bullshit. But you know you are right. This is a fight worth fighting and I will sign that form as will chris saying that we know graham as first middle herlast hislast. fuck them all.

[ukelele.livejournal.com]

My mom kept her name (v. uncommon of course at the time and baffling to many of her agemates even now; my generation takes it more in stride). Some people did the obvious sexist thing; some people went through weird contortions trying to respect her wishes without really getting it.

We once got a piece of mail addressed to "Dr. and Mr. [mom's first name] and [dad's first name] [mom's last name] and [dad's last name]."

The additional irony? My dad has a PhD too.

[ksledgemoore.livejournal.com]

I saw that you said you were extremely angry, and I also saw that this was about name changing after marriage, and I already knew what it was going to be -- that if you wanted your name changed, no prob; if your husband did, big problem.

Lucky for us, my husband changed nothing. I had no problem changing my name to First MyLast HisLast. However, for some non-official things where they knew we got married and I told them my new name, they continually got it wrong as First Middle HisLast (so no "mylast", because that wasn't part of their worldview.)

It was pretty astonishing how many people just assumed that I had changed my name. We would not have been able to use some wedding gifts/money had I not changed my name, and this was coming from people who had no idea of my intention (because I didn't decide until the last minute!)

I really hope you figure out the situation easily and without paying more. They do need to listen to you because supposedly all you need is the license! So why should it be different for men than women?! File complaints with what has happened so far.

[rshruti.livejournal.com]

Really? (about cashing wedding checks) My experience was that the bank will happily put whatever you want into your account. People write checks to me that have ALL SORTS of names, some of which resemble my actual name in some way. The bank accepts them all.

[darlox.livejournal.com]

Same deal here. G waltzes in everywhere with paperwork and everything changes. I had to go get a court order, and notorized copies of said court order, and jump through a zillion hoops just to change my middle name.

It's not uncommon, and Ohio's marriage license even only has one spot on it for name change data -- "Wife's married name". Doesn't even have an option for "Husband's married name".

I can see how this would be annoying if it caught you by surprise, but we knew this 100% going in, so it was just a bureaucratic hassle.

[gieves.livejournal.com]

I didn't change my name for months after the wedding, but when I did, the experience was much like yours: I took my passport, marriage cert, SS card and app form, stood in an eternal line, met with a (grateful, because I was in the East Cleveland SS office and my appointment was easy peasy compared to most) SSA officer who gave me no hassle. The only thing she did was ask me repeatedly if I was absolutely certain that I wanted my new name on my SS card to officially be Myfirst Mylast Hislast because I'd have to use all of it every time I wanted to sign for something. I said HELL yes, and we were set. The DMV shortened it to Myfirst M Hislast (damn lengthy name I have), but I know the secret truth.

J, as he said, had to jump through court-ordered hoops, but he prevailed and my anniversary gift was a notification of his court appointment :-) Now we're happily J & G Mylast Hislast, though I'm the only one who insistently uses the whole thing at every opportunity.

[feuervogel]

The mind boggles. Truly. In most states (maryland included), getting married is a free name change certificate, for anyone who wants it.

And people still ask me -- 6 years later -- why I didn't change my name. We thought about hyphenating, but my name doesn't fit into those boxes as it is, and I'll be damned if I tack 6 characters onto a 9-character surname. We were rather amused at the sheer haughtiness our combined names would imply, but we mostly said "ah, screw it."

The letters we get addressed to "Mrs kirinn" earn simple eyerolls now, and when he's addressed as "Mr Aki" I giggle like a girl.

I blame the patriarchy.

[eirias.livejournal.com]

I remember thinking you should really really hyphenate just for the haughtiness. But you both have awesome last names, so keeping them is great too. Not that my opinion counts for much. :) I just think all decisions have big drawbacks, and so IMO aesthetics should be a major guiding criterion.

[thekat03.livejournal.com]

thinking about it more, part of me would want to do the both taking both last names thing whenever i get around to getting married. however, i'd hate to ruin tod's awesome initials, which happen to spell his first name (it's recursive!).

i think what i'll most likely do is flank my current name (first and last with no middle) with my nickname (as a new first name) and married last name. i could then claim that my initials are either GHHD or GHD (if only one of my current names began with O, i could be GOD! muahahaha!)

[nein09.livejournal.com]

This is both making me glad that E and I are keeping our names just how they are (we were going to do something similar to what you two are doing, but we figured that the Turkish government would give us even more hassle than people in the US would), and making me wonder how many people are going to try and call me by his name.

Why just a little while ago, we went to a hotel, which I had made reservations for, and he got called by MY name. Hehehe.

[cognative.livejournal.com]

that sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if the general population were a bit slow to realize there were other options besides woman-taking-the-man's-name, but the people who run the name changing should know better.

not to get you riled up again, but now that you've got the marriage thing down you know what the next societal obligation is. Get ready for lots of annoying "When are you going to..?" questions.

[eirias.livejournal.com]

not to get you riled up again, but now that you've got the marriage thing down you know what the next societal obligation is. Get ready for lots of annoying "When are you going to..?" questions.

Ohhh yeah. I don't actually mind so much, since for us children are an exciting possibility that we're eventually aiming for (though fertility is weird and life can be funny and you never know), but on general principle I should probably start thinking of ways to convey that it's an inappropriate question for most people to ask, because I know people who have been very hurt by this sort of question. Like, if we're together we could say, "GREAT QUESTION! And you know, sex is more interesting than this conversation, so excuse us for a minute" and head for the nearest bathroom hand in hand. Or we could invent something unnecessarily personal and obviously false about our sex lives to make them wish they hadn't asked. "Actually, I prefer being made love to when we're both covered from the neck down in opaque latex, so this is a problem we're trying to work around. We're thinking about using a turkey baster. Do you have any suggestions?"

Unless you meant some other invasive question like "when are you going to buy a house?" In which case I will say something snotty like "when you give me a tenure track position." But nobody asks that unless I bring up houses, because for some reason people generally know that questions about personal finances are rude. Or maybe they just aren't as exciting. "Personal Finances and the City" probably wouldn't have gotten good Nielsen ratings.

I love thinking of snarky things to say, but in reality when people are rude to me I'm usually just too flummoxed to know what to say. The last time someone asked me something inappropriate, I spent the rest of the evening thinking of ways I could have embarrassed her. Of course, she was a particular brand of clueless where she probably wouldn't have gotten the point and would just have figured I'd given her some juicy gossip.

[beckyjen.livejournal.com]

It amazed me that the DMV didn't know you could have 2 middle names as well. I had to stand in line twice to get my drivers license reprinted so that both middle initials were on it. As it is I have a few cards that only use one of the initials and its kinda strange to see which one they choose

[tiurin.livejournal.com]

Did you get to talk to a manager/supervisor type?

[eirias.livejournal.com]

No; I was too angry, and it wouldn't have been productive. I shouldn't even have stayed on the phone as long as I did. I'll probably write a letter explaining the situation and condemning their behavior. I do worry that they'll decide the easiest way to deal with me is to revoke my own SS card and make me bring in documentation proving my own name... which I can do, with some inconvenience, but it wouldn't actually solve the problem.

I've contacted the local free weekly to see if they're at all interested in it. They're mainstream for Madison, which means pretty leftish, and they tend to love a story that makes the guvmint look bad... so we'll see. If I don't hear anything I'll write a letter to the editor and see where it goes. I don't really know if it's a big enough story, but there are occasionally slow news weeks in the summer ;).

[glasseye.livejournal.com]

Clearly the worthless bureaucrats need to be pummeled senseless with moth balls.

[zeldajean.livejournal.com]

While I agree with you wholeheartedly (and have thought of doing just that with the names if I ever get married), I offer this datapoint, from lunch today actually, since many people in my office are getting married right now. In PA, you have to go change your drivers liscense first, and then take that everywhere else, including to SSA. We all agree this makes absolutely no sense, but that's what each of these ladies has had to do.

And yes, how fucking dare they.

[kythec.livejournal.com]

So, uh, did I miss something? When did marital property gain the right to use the Internet?

I mean, damn, bureaucracy sucks. HUG.